Dear Santa,
Greetings from New Jersey. I hope Mrs. C and all the hard-working folks at the North Pole are making progress toward that special night when you’ll load up the sleigh and deliver billions of treasures to all of the kind folks around the world.
I was heartened to hear that you were finally able to subcontract delivery to Amazon for all the difficult-to-reach locales in Australia, New Zealand and the South Pacific. I read about how Dasher needed knee-replacement surgery after the last run, and Vixen is still not 100% following that torn MCL. Please share my best wishes to both and the entire sleigh team.
OK, big guy, it’s time to address the elephant in the room. I didn’t have a good year by any definition, and my behavior was, at times, not an accurate reflection of who I am and the values I strive to embody. It was important that I get out in front of the reports you’ve no doubt received regarding my conduct. I’d like to address a few of the more disconcerting incidents that may color your impression of me and jeopardize my incumbent status as a good boy. So, while you ponder my addition to the naughty list, please consider my point of view under the following circumstances:
- Yes, I made a quasi-scene when a Wendy’s cashier refused to upsize my chili-for-fries substitution last month. I didn’t scream or belittle the employee, but I made it clear that I’ve received a large chili in the past for a 50-cent upcharge. Clearly, the young man didn’t know the functionality of the ordering system, and it was ultimately I who paid the price of only enjoying a small serving. And I’d like to point out that my ban only applies to that specific restaurant, not its entire chain. In the future, I pledge to not only be more patient but to also learn what button combo needs to be pushed in order to execute the upcharge. This way, I can share knowledge and help the cashiers become better at customer service. A win-win, right?
- You may have heard how I cursed a blue streak after discovering my handyman’s attempt to fix my refrigerator went awry. The damper unit needed to be replaced on the Frigidaire, and after ordering the part and carefully watching a YouTube video on how to install it, I seemingly pulled off the repair. Except a week later, all of the liquids in the fridge froze. So, please keep my “the $@!& milk is frozen” outburst in context; I’d already poured a bowl of Fruit Loops. Yes, I did break my hand punching the door, but I’ve learned my lesson. Ordinarily, I’d ask you for a new fridge, but given the injuries to your sleigh team, I don’t want to tax the payload even further.
- Regarding that little misunderstanding at my daughter’s softball game, it’s important to note that the insult I made about the quality of umpiring was directed toward a fellow parent, not the actual umpire. Since when did officials become so sensitive to what’s being said on the sidelines? Granted, I shouldn’t have shouted back, “Hey, rabbit ears, the game’s on the field, not over here” after the home plate ump shot me a dirty look. He had no right to toss me off the premises. I’d also like to point out that the police were already at the field during our little exchange; they weren’t called specifically for me. You’ll note I am allowed to return to the field this coming season!
It is my hope that you consider these minor transgressions as outliers to my overall positive and good-natured attitude. After all, three bad days among 365 is less than 1%, which equates to a 99%-plus nice rate. But I believe in transparency.
Rest assured, I will strive to be an even better boy in the future.
Now, about that metal detector on my wish list…
Warmest regards,
Erik
p.s., Happy Thanksgiving to all!
